Them: I have a 500 word paper that I-
English Major: 500 words? That’s not a paper. That’s an abstract. Where’s the rest of it? WHERE IS IT.
Them: I got a text from-
English Major: A text? What devices does it use? How does it mean? Why does it mean? HOW DO TEXTS MEAN?
Them: You need to turn right.
English Major: Write. Write. Write like you’re running out of time. WRITE DAY AND NIGHT LIKE YOU’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
Them: I have to do a review of literature for this lab repor-
English Major: You don’t review the literature. You ENGAGE with it. EXAMINE it. RESPOND to it.
Them: I’m allergic to bee-
English Major: TO BE OR NOT TO BE THAT IS THE QUESTION WHETHER TIS NOBLER IN THE MIND TO SUFFER THE SLINGS AND ARROWS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINST A