Hamlet: Was there even a ghost, mother, or was the ghost or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?
Horatio: Leonard Bernstein was one of the great composers of the 21st century but sometimes he would be gay
Ophelia: You remember being 12, when you’re like, “No one look at me or I’ll kill myself”
Gertrude: Sometimes babies will point at me, and I don’t care for that shit at all
Claudius:You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair
Polonius: You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about
Fortinbras: Everyone out of the way! I just want to sit here and feed my birds
Laertes: Now, I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. Street Smarts
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern: I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.