hamlet characters as ‘the onion’ headlines

lieutenant-sapphic:

gertrude: Wife Dropping Hints She’s Ready To Have Second Husband

claudius: Zing! I Just Got You With Another One Of My Trademark ‘Complete Lies’

the ghost: Cool Dad A Terrible Father

rosencrantz and guildenstern: Coin Collector Has Some Pretty Fucking Nice Coins

laertes: Badly Inured Man Not Done Partying Yet

polonius: I’m Not One Of Those People Who Goes Around Having Fun

ophelia: Woman Confusingly Tells Area Man She’s Not Interested In Him

horatio: Man Going To Go Ahead And Consider That A Date

hamlet: If Only I’d Listened To Virtually Anyone